Learning to Live by Facing Death

An open exploration through illness and death, and signs from beyond the grave

(Click below to read with my voice, and go to the very bottom to listen to a song sent by Andy.)

My Dear Loud Readers,

I am 50 years old. For a long time, I had been fortunate that death hadn’t touched those closest to me the way it had for many I know, though I sometimes wondered who would go first.

So when my husband received a cancer diagnosis at the age of 54 and died less than a month before turning 56, I was shocked, especially because he had already suffered a major stroke at 44, which affected him in so many ways.

My Andy. The one with those big, sparkling eyes and his beaming smile.

You’d think life would give someone like him a break. Someone who had already endured so much. As a teenager, he suffered a serious back injury in a major accident, wore a body cast for a year and carried the physical aftermath into adulthood. Years later, his mother died in a plane crash. How much hardship and trauma can one person take?

Sometimes, there are good reasons to feel sorrow.

Just to be clear, I’m not asking for your pity. I’m asking you to read with an open mind, an open heart, a willingness to understand and to see life as it truly is.

What about me? What about our son?

Julian was born eight months after his dad’s stroke that occurred a thousand miles from home in a remote part of China. He never got to know the fully healthy version of his father. As for me, I lived half of our marriage with both of us working fulfilling jobs in different parts of the world, traveling and building a life together. Then came the other half when illness changed everything. I became a health advocate and supporter, a mother, a provider, a caregiver and a woman navigating the challenges of parenting, holding our home together and somehow trying to care for myself and later starting a new career.

We were totally unprepared.

But wait! Would anyone ever truly be prepared for death or illness? Are we supposed to study all the different diseases we might get just so we can really be ready? You know, like how you would get an MBA or a graduate degree, or do different certifications in AI or project management so you can use them to advance your career?

Ha! It’s funny to even think about that comparison. It’s so true though, isn’t it? We know what’s coming, and yet we spend zero time preparing for the inevitable. So when death arrives, or illness, accident or however our loved one ends up passing, we’re left scrambling: learning how to deal with it all, along with the intense emotions that come with it.

Spiritual Awakening

What if you started thinking about it now?

Talking about it won’t bring you bad luck. It’s just fear you’re feeling, which is completely understandable.

Life gives you no second chance. Here I invite you to start opening up to the topic of death because opening your mind and heart to it may bring unexpected positives.

As sad as this might sound to you — and it definitely feels sad to me — I’ve had this feeling for a while now that Andy’s difficult journey was something I was meant to witness, experience, learn from and reflect on, so I could begin to heal and awaken spiritually, with a deeper purpose to live a more fulfilled life. The benefit of me going through this is to share it with you, and maybe help you experience something meaningful, too.

That’s what I mean by facing death head-on and living with your eyes wide open. Are you with me?

Death is an inevitable part of our journey. From the moment we are born, death already awaits; it’s just a matter of how and when.

If you don’t want to think about death because your life is going well, I’m genuinely happy for you. If death is an uncomfortable topic or stirs up painful feelings, I encourage you to read on and keep reading my stories. This taboo topic may actually bring you happiness, joy and more satisfaction in life.

Search for Meaning

Since the death of my husband, the existential questions naturally surfaced for me, and I’ve been trying to make meaning of this profound experience. I’ve been thinking, writing, reading, observing and talking to families and friends whose lives have been touched by loss, about everything relating to death, the meaning of life, what might be beyond death and more.

I am reading books and have watched videos and viewed documentaries of people who described what life was like after their deaths, whether from accidents, illnesses or other events before returning and reporting their experiences, which are often called Near-Death Experiences.

I don’t plan to offer scientific evidence for any of this. I have no interest in debating religion or belief systems, though I’m very open to being pointed toward readings or ideas that you believe might help me better understand death.

My goal is to read sacred texts from different religions and explore. Because this topic is so vast, I expect it will take a while. Meanwhile, I’m also interested in many other subjects about creativity, communication and more for my personal growth.

I don’t have any definitive answers. I’m not sure if I ever will. I’m on a pilgrimage of exploration.

I understand that my experience and what I write might not sit well with some of your religious beliefs. I’m not here to win anyone over or convince anyone of my beliefs or views.

I’m simply here to observe, to be curious about the world around me, within me, to document my experience honestly and authentically. By tapping into my heart and soul, I seek what feels true to me, and it may also resonate with you, too.

I’ll be sharing more in the coming days, weeks, months, maybe years, not necessarily in order. I’ll likely dip in and out of the topic of death.

Talking about death is really about how we can live consciously, intentionally, and fully — right now.

Learning to Trust

I invite you to be open to my experience if you decide to stay. If you’re here, you may already know a bit about me. For almost 20 years in my previous career as a journalist, I aimed to be as impartial as possible. I remain very open to all beliefs and ideas about where we go from here, because I’m genuinely hoping to discover truths no matter where they come from.

But of course, I’m a human being with emotions, judgments, and interests, and that might show up unconsciously.

I recognize that I might unconsciously choose to read what aligns with what I want to believe. But I always keep my logical mind in check as I scrutinize my thoughts and beliefs.

Sometimes I get stuck in my head and forget to listen to my heart, my intuition, instinct and inner wisdom or whatever you call it. I’m learning to open myself more to experience, and most importantly, to trust it.

To kick off this journey of sharing, I’ve been receiving different signs from Andy beyond this earth. He mostly uses music to communicate with me. Sometimes a song just pops into my head out of nowhere. It might be a song I already know but never really think about, or one I vaguely recognize, just a tune or a fragment of lyrics. I often search for it on Google or use Soundhound to identify it, and sometimes these occurrences happen when I’m asleep, other times when I’m awake.

Many times, I hear a song in a shop, at the gym or in public spaces. Somehow it captures my attention. Whether I know it or not, I often look it up.

Every time I check the lyrics, there’s a message there for me. Lately, though, I feel it’s not about the lyrics at all; it’s the feeling the music evokes.

It’s up to me to decide: is it a coincidence? Am I making the song fit? Or... is it a message from Andy?

Here’s a song: Blackbird by The Beatles, one I’d never heard before but came across in a shop. I’ve even learned to sing it! What do you think it means? Since you're reading this, if this song resonates with you, it might hold a message for you too!

Listen to the song by clicking here.

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